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I had to get this out. I need to get this out.
I'm at work, but I feel like I want to just get away from everything and cries my eyes out. I can't focus on work anymore (haven't been for the past 3 hours anyway).

I hate this feeling. The feeling like I'm constantly waiting and checking for phone calls, messages, skype...anything. I can't focus because I'm working my way up to an anxiety panic attack. The one person who had a partial guilt in causing this is also the only person who can help me get rid of it.

My hands are shaking so terribly that it now has spread to the rest of my body, but nothing compare to the loud beating of my heart. we are so different, but yet he understand me so perfectly. Isn't it odd? He knows me so well yet he refused to acknowledge my needs for his comfort whether its physical or emotional. When he finally asked me what I needed from him, I can't even get two words out of my mouth before he cut me off and practically screamed at my face on how I "purposely extended" the conversation into a fight.

I feel like shit. I do. I tried to calm myself down. I do. I tried. But I can't because to me he's my rock. He knows he's my rock. He knows I need his words of comfort since he can't be right next to me. But the things he said when I needed him the most hurt the most. It's in situation like this that make me want to give up.

It hurts to hear him say I'm being unreasonable yet for all the years we known each other, I have always given in to what he wants. It hurts to have his words being mean and harsh despite him knowing what it will do to me.

If I was at home, I would probably lock myself in my room and cried my eyes out. But since I'm at work. I can't. It's frustrating to keep everything in when I'm so close to break down physically and mentally. I need an outlet. I really do.

Date: 2013-07-23 04:33 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] ztarplay.livejournal.com
First...

BREATHE. In through your nose and out through your mouth. BREATHE IN DEEPLY, EXHALE SLOWLY.

Repeat until you can only concentrate on the AIR FLOW.

Air is oxygen, it's peace and energy.

Second...

The heartbeat you hear, the energy that you see through your fingers and the tears that you can't let go... that is your will trying to push through. That is your strength telling you how strong it really is. That is you. All you.

You don't don't need borrowed strength when your body is telling you, you have more than what it knows what to do with. Take control. Do with it what you need to.

“Strength does not come from physical capacity. It comes from an indomitable will.” [Gandhi]

Date: 2013-07-23 04:51 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] zoeybunnygals.livejournal.com
Thank you...
I tried...I feel like I can't get through this day anymore...

I tried not think about it, really I tried. But my minds, it slipped and when it slipped it seem as if I'm back at the beginning.

The tears come and refused to stop. I can't. I can't cried. I can't break down here. Not when so many people are expecting me to break down.

Date: 2013-07-23 06:17 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] ztarplay.livejournal.com
There's nothing wrong with crying my dear. Crying is coping. Let your body shed what it grieves.

*HUGS**HUGS**HUGS**HUGS**HUGS**HUGS**HUGS**HUGS**HUGS**HUGS**HUGS**HUGS**HUGS**HUGS**HUGS**HUGS**HUGS**HUGS**HUGS**HUGS**HUGS**HUGS**HUGS**HUGS**HUGS**HUGS**

Meanwhile...

Me: [Baking] YooSu cookies...lala~ ... baking YooSu cookies...Lala~ *Turns back to the tray* WHERE ARE MY YOOSU COOKIES?!

Yoochun:
image

Me: 0_0 *le gasp* YAH!~ Those weren't for you!
image

YooChun:
image

Date: 2013-07-23 03:54 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] tachikoma29.livejournal.com
when zoey is done with these gifs, I am kidnapping chunnieee !!!

Date: 2013-07-24 03:18 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] zoeybunnygals.livejournal.com
I think we need to share him!!!

Date: 2013-07-24 05:01 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] ztarplay.livejournal.com
Children, behave. The Chunster is flexible.

*Secretly steals him back*

*Whoosh*

Date: 2013-07-24 03:17 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] zoeybunnygals.livejournal.com
Thank you.....This made me smile.....

Date: 2013-07-24 04:59 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] ztarplay.livejournal.com
That was the idea. (^__^)V

Date: 2013-07-23 04:50 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] tachikoma29.livejournal.com
heyyy.. first of, I know how it feels to break down at work. Did it myself a few days back but I had eyedrops handy so even with tears rolling down, as long as I ddn't bawl out loud, I could cry and no one said anything.

/hugs/ I am sorry he is behaving this way. Maybe both of you are a little saturated and some space apart, might give both of you or at least him some perspective.

He may be your rock but you are your own rock too. C'mon, your got a good career, you've lived this long, you have your own personality - you can support you. You even helped me by talking to me ! You can !

<333

Date: 2013-07-23 04:56 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] zoeybunnygals.livejournal.com
Thank you sweetie....I needed the HUG I really do

Seriously right now, I don't really know what to do anymore. i feel trapped.

I'm trying to clear my head. I'm trying not to think about what had happened. I have calm down somewhat, but occasionally the tears come. And I hate myself for crying for something that he doesn't even care....


HUGS
<333

Date: 2013-07-23 03:53 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] tachikoma29.livejournal.com
/hugs again/ We are all here for you. As much as we can be.

I know the feeling. That's why evening and morning, I am writing on lj. Went through the day like a sleepy zombie. Nothing registered but what else can be done ? (Maybe you should try sleeping more than 8 hours. I am going to try that and see )

You're strong. You are. Crying is fine. It's what you're feeling. Being strong doesn't mean that you cancelled your emotions. Maybe you depend on him to fix your mood but that doesn't mean you can't fix or control your own moods. You are a complete unit, bb. Remember that. And vent as much as possible, in writing. Helps to keep things off your mind. My workplace doesn't allow any phones or anything so I have taken to writing in a notepad in my native tongue.

<333

Date: 2013-07-24 03:32 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] zoeybunnygals.livejournal.com
Thank you so much sweetie....I'm feeling much better....

I'm thinking of going back to writing fic again. I have been neglecting it for almost 2 years already....It kind of the same for me as it was for you....Writing help relieved some of the stress I had or the thoughts that I couldn't get it out...So yeah maybe I'm giving it a try....

Thank you
HUGS
<33

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